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Even articles that had been shared worldwide only talked about doing the alien sex dance, rather than actually, you know, doing it. So when I was given the chance to try the Brogoth ovipositor from the kings of alien sex toys, Primal HardwereI jumped at the chance. OK, I cringed a bit at the thought of pretending ET was in my bedroom and in a hot inseminating mood, but a secret part of me was absolutely fascinated. Googling for inspiration brought up endless posts about ovipositors and tentacle sex, as well as some eye-boggling porn.
Reddit was, unsurprisingly, an absolute goldmine of alien fetishesincluding clips of women expelling jelly eggs in a most unnerving fashion. Before you can get jiggy with it, you have to spend a fair bit of time in the kitchen, dissolving gelatine, pouring it into moulds and then leaving them to set for hours.
So far, so very unsexy. I left the eggs to set for what ended up being nearly a week, school holidays not being the best time to attempt home alien insemination. My super-strength fridge had somehow managed to freeze some of the eggs by the time I prised them out of the mould, but the rest were fine once they came back to room temperature.
It might sound like a bit of added fun to make your eggs raspberry flavoured, but the sugar content is likely to unbalance your delicate bits and leave you with a nasty case of thrush. Yes, I was disappointed at that discovery, too. Then poor old Brogoth was forced down over the egg I may have been anthropomorphising my new alien friend a tiny bit by this point with the help of a coating of lube.
I did look for some alien porn to set the mood but most of it appears to involve tentacles rather than ovipositors, so I decided to just lie back and imagine my own version of Close Encounters. You insert Brogoth himself in the same way as any other dildo, then squeeze him like a sexy alien icing bag until the eggs slide through. They pop out in a pleasantly determined fashion that appeals to the tactile side of me.
You could have vaginal muscles like industrial clamps and this stuff would still ooze out. Attempting a solo alien adventure means that you spend as much time chasing slippery eggs and trying ovipositor gelatin eggs force them through the dildo as you do lying back and being on the receiving end — most of my shrieking was at escaping eggs rather than exclamations of pleasure.
Alien sex eggs are freakish and weird, for sure — but sometimes freakish and weird can also be downright hot. Violet Fenn is a freelance writer and blogger. MORE : Want to use sex toys as a couple but unsure where to start? Here are our suggestions. MORE : Why do people visit a dominatrix? These men explain the appeal. Save Save. Get your need-to-know lifestyle news and features straight to your inbox.
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